Paddy O’Meara notes that the self-confidence and brash exteriors of teenagers often hide deep feelings of uncertainty, confusion and fear.
Esker Retreat Centre is located near Athenry, Co. Galway, and has a spacious car park in front of the main building. It is here I have watched with interest, and sometimes a little trepidation, students disembark from buses, as they start their school retreat. They come laden down with bags, and the usual accessories of today’s youth: radios, mobile phones and bottled water.
Carefree attitude deceiving
What I look out for is the banter, the wisecracks and the carefree attitude that can easily come across as cockiness. It is not surprising that these pupils have an upbeat air about them. They are well educated, have many material blessings and an optimistic future. Unlike their counterparts of a decade ago, they will not be forced to emigrate; most will be able to choose between taking up work in their own country or going on to further education. Experience, however, has taught me not to take their apparent self-confidence and cheerfulness at face value.
School retreats don’t always go according to plan, but if the team succeeds in connecting with the young people, I frequently come to discover a very different side to these students. It is almost as if a veil is drawn back, and I learn about the confusion, self-doubt and pain that many endure. To quote a line from a song by Janice Ian, “It isn’t all it seems at 17”.
Every generation of young people face their own set of difficulties, and one could argue that today’s crop are no different. My appeal to adults and to parents, however, is not to be fooled by their show of brashness, and not to underestimate the scars and burdens that they already carry.
Poor self-image
Despite the veneer of confidence, my strong impression is that many of the current batch of students are marked by terrible self-doubt and poor self-image. Until recently I felt that girls were best equipped to cope with the struggle of growing up. They form close friendships and are good at confiding in each other. But what is sad and disappointing is to witness the pervasive level of self-dissatisfaction among female students.
I can only speculate that much of this negative attitude to self is due to a type of advertising that undermines self-acceptance, and also to teen magazines that parade pop stars and models with whom teenage girls compare themselves. We all know that comparing ourselves with others is disastrous, but even mature adults fall into the trap, despite knowing in their heads that it is foolish and destructive.
Bitching and bullying
Girls openly confess that they engage in what they describe as “bitching.” They usually accept that this is very corrosive, and yet it is almost impossible to get them to agree to curb or stop this practice. Whatever damage is caused by advertising and teen magazines is far less significant than the hurt girls inflict on each other.
While girls admit their confusion and sadness, male students seldom acknowledge such vulnerability. Boys give little indication that they are self-critical in the way their female classmates are, but they can suffer very much from bullying and exclusion. One lad, who had returned from England with his parents before starting secondary school, described the horrible treatment handed out to him because of his accent. This guy was a talented musician, and he said that music had been his salvation. At the really bad times, when he often felt suicidal, the pleasure and satisfaction he got from music provided a safe haven to which he could retreat.
There are some aspects of life that present particular hurdles for youth, and to which parents, the church and society in general, need to pay more attention.
1. Education
The past six or seven years have been very good for Ireland at an economic level, but there is a cost. Irish society has become very competitive, and this competition has spilled over into schools.
It is not unusual to meet someone in Leaving Cert who is only 16 years old. This seems very unwise. Can we expect a person of this age to have the maturity to choose a career, prepare to move to Third Level or into work, and probably to have to leave home? And all this while coping with the other pressures that are part of this time of life?
We may be training students for work, or teaching them to pass exams. I am less certain that we are educating them to live a content and balanced life.
2. Alcohol
I get the impression that most 15 and 16 year olds, both boys and girls, are drinking. Many are abusing alcohol-getting drunk on a regular basis. Despite the laws that pertain to underage drinking, these young people have little difficulty in being served in pubs or clubs.
Underage drinking is not new, but in the past teenagers had to curtail their consumption because of limited funds. For a variety of reasons, many of today’s students have plenty of money, and much of it is spent on booze.
3. Drugs
First, it is important to remind ourselves that alcohol is a drug, and a terribly addictive one. Yet, when we refer to drugs, most people have in mind other drugs which are not legal.
It is evident that an ever-increasing number of second level students are experimenting with drugs such as Ecstasy, and storing up trouble for themselves and their families. .
4. Death
It is only through my experience of working with students that I have come to realise how significantly death impinges on young people. Parents may fail to recognise the pain and sadness endured by an adolescent when a grandparent, classmate or neighbour dies. The spate of suicides in our country also impacts on young people, and there are few secondary school pupils who do not know someone who has taken his or her life.
Death is obviously not a new phenomenon, but the context in which it is dealt with has changed. Ten or 20 years ago, families observed a time of mourning, and usually withdrew to grieve. Nowadays young and old can find themselves thrust back into the normal rush of activities very soon after the death of even a close family member. A young person can be breaking up inside and unable to explain to anybody how he or she is really feeling.
5. Sexuality
It is so difficult to get the balance right in this domain. In the space of 30 years or less, we have moved from the situation where everything in the, sexual area was a sin to one when almost anything is acceptable. In the recent past, the Catholic Church virtually ruled people’s lives in relation to sexual morality, but for today’s youth, the church has little or no relevance.
Television, movies, pop songs and magazines are now making the running. The end result is that teenagers are often confused and hurt. Many are being deeply wounded as a result of engaging in behaviour that is inappropriate for their age.
It is not my intention to paint a negative picture of young people, for that would be wrong. I meet teenagers who display admirable courage and resilience in coping with personal problems or complex family situations. Many students are compassionate, mature and idealistic.
But there are also those who are burdened and already scared by circumstance. They somehow feel that they must present a confident, smiling face to others. The challenge for parents is to see beyond the carefully constructed masks of youth, and be available with a listening ear and a non-judgmental stance.
This article first appeared in Reality (April, 2002), a publication of the Irish Redemptorists.
