My mother-in-law died shortly after Jim and I were married, but her cantankerous husband lived a long, robust life afterwards. He was the opposite of my father in many ways. Dad loved to read, play bridge and was quiet and soft-spoken. Herm, on the other hand, was gruff and did not stand on ceremony.

Although he was always scrupulously clean, Herm only wore suits to funerals or weddings, and often wore a cap, even at mealtime. Giving out compliments was not his style. For example, when I was vacuuming his living room while on a visit to him one day, he complained as he followed me around, 'You're going too fast. What kind of a housekeeper are you?'

Sense of humour
I learned later that he was expecting me to bicker with him, for he was just trying to rise me. He was elated when I finally became brave enough to 'give it back to him', and remarked after a brief tussle, 'Well, girl, you have more guts than I gave you credit for'.

It took a while for me to realize that Herm was rough on the outside, but had a kind and thoughtful heart. He often visited his elderly neighbours and relatives, and brought fresh produce to them. And every summer, when our children were small, he would have one at a time come to stay with him for a week during the holidays, which in itself should qualify him for sainthood!

Grandpa's schedule was very easy-going. My son, Keith, remembers going out to buy a hamburger and milkshake with him at midnight on several occasions. My children will always cherish their memories of their gruff but kind Grandpa. Herm taught me not to judge a person by his manner or appearance.

Family of origin
My long-suffering husband had to adjust to my diverse clan too, but we didn't see my parents and siblings often because they lived so far away. We did manage to see them occasionally, however, when they came to visit us, or when we travelled to see them. One day, when I was especially missing them, I remarked to Jim, 'I miss my family so much. We were always so close.'

'The kids and I are your family now,' he reminded me. His words made me realize that we had become a separate family, with our own identity, customs and traditions.

Boundaries
My three daughters-in-law get along well, but each has her unique way of coping with us. One is quiet, and usually doesn't phone unless she wants to invite us over. The other two are more sociable, and sometimes they call just to chat.

Jim and I try not to offer advice unless they seek it, and have come to accept that they need to run their lives as they see fit, even when we don't agree with them on certain issues. Yes, I admit we aren't the perfect inlaws, but we do try!

Every newly wed couple has to make new boundaries between themselves and the people who once played such a crucial part in their lives. Redefining old ones is needed to allow the new couple to establish their own private and unique space.

When my mother came to visit, I noticed that it was difficult for her to see me as someone other than the 'baby' of her family. She would forget that I was now old enough to have a husband and a fourteen-month-old baby of my own to look after!

'Do you think it's time to do the wash, dear?' she'd ask innocently, when she'd notice the nappies piling up, or, 'Jim will be coming home for lunch in an hour, dear. Maybe it's time to get it ready.'

Mum may have spoiled my dad, but I certainly didn't feel compelled to make a hot lunch for Jim every day. My custom was to heat some soup and make sandwiches ten minutes before he arrived home.

Woman of the house
One hectic day, when I was irritable, Mum suggested I should darn Jim's socks. I answered abruptly, 'It's my house, Mum'. For the rest of the visit, whenever I asked her what she'd like for dinner or some similar question, she would say sweetly, 'It's your house, dear. You do whatever you want' .

One young mother I spoke to recently said, 'It's good to be close to your in-laws, but not too close'. I agree. It works both ways, of course, for I'm sure that if I lived within walking distance of my grandchildren, I'd probably be asked to babysit more than just occasionally.

Distance and space
I love my grandchildren, but I also enjoy days spent writing, reading or visiting friends. Besides, being too close to my children would allow me to .know too much about their lifestyles and child-raising practices. Ignorance can keep a mother-in-law from interfering too much, so I'm glad to live far enough away that both the children and grandchildren are happy to see us occasionally, but not for too long.

Some young couples I know keep in touch with relatives who live far away by having their children talk on the phone to them periodically, and by sending them their children's latest pictures by post or email. Grandparents can establish a good relationship with their grandchildren by writing or e-mailing them and by sending them thoughtful presents on special occasions. Nowadays, distance doesn't need to hamper relationships.

Contrasting backgrounds
When I understood the stark contrast between Jim's rural upbringing and my more genteel childhood, I was better able to understand Jim and develop a closer relationship with his family.

That's important in a marriage. It sets a healthy example for the children, who learn to get along with people of different backgrounds. Of course there will be occasional conflicts, but that's the time to ask for God's help. Then, no matter how difficult the in-laws can sometimes be, peace will continue to permeate the marriage, and the atmosphere of family life will be enhanced.